Google Master Plan

I saw The Google Master Plan in person, but wasn’t allowed to speak of it because of my NDA. At last, though, elements are leaking out through the positions Google is hiring for. Here’s what I can say:

  • Tech talk transcriber — they’re looking for someone with two years transcribing technical information from the bugs they have planted at Yahoo!, A9, and Ask Jeeves. When I asked their director of covert surveillance whether they’d bugged MSN Search, he just laughed.
  • Mobile wireless application developer — obviously Google’s building a crawler for the data on your mobile phone. I’m discounting the possibility that they’re enhancing Dodgeball into an intuitive Ajax-rich GPS-aware platform for premiere on-demand mobile services architectures as a baseless rumour.
  • Senior tax analyst — this is for when they begin crawling the IRS databases. Googling for your name will tell you how much you owe in taxes. It’s the logical next step.
  • Executive chef — the ad doesn’t mention it, but I heard from a guy whose friend interviewed that they’re asking a lot of questions about the preparation and serving of soylent green.
  • Inventory and cost analyst — reveals that Google is predicting that their stock price can’t keep going up, and when it starts coming down there’ll be tough questions about the millionaire playboy culture. So they’re trimming the fat before the crash. SELL! SELL I SAY!
  • Mechanical thermal engineer — necessary because the hacked-together first generation cryotanks in which they’re storing the eugenically-bred Googlogeny(tm)(domain pending) are breaking down and they need to double capacity before Phase 1 of project “Google Everyone” can begin.
  • Materials manager and Mechanical engineer — finally they’re working on the fab lab. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they’ve hired all the HP Labs engineers who had developed the cheap fab machine that HP wouldn’t take to market.
  • Mail/Shipping/Receiving Manager — presages GMail‘s move from electronic to physical mail. Look out, USPS and Fedex!
  • OCR Engineer — is a transparent hedge against the deal with the Chinese government that let Google use political prisoner labour to type in books for Google Print in return for the Chinese Government’s unquestioned ability to censor searches.
  • User interface engineer, Blogger — at last Bloggger will get a user interface.
  • Mechanical manufacturing engineer — they’re ready to ramp up work on the gPod music player (featuring bluetooth remote control, laser pointer, a worldwide database of pizza delivery stores and sports car lots, 80×25 character console, 192-key keyboard, only available in black). Related note: look for “I’m feeling lucky!” to be renamed “Google Shuffle”.
  • Launch coordination engineer — Google are finally taking their Keyhole satellite program in-house. Look for higher resolution pictures, more up-to-date imagery, and (although it will remain beta for a while) user-targetable laser death ray from space.

It’s such a relief to finally have these projects out in the open where I can talk about them! I guess I’m just not built for keeping secrets. Enjoy your new-found Google inside knowledge, and watch out for clones with black earbuds …